found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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