I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
