Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
