i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
