Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
