if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
