So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
