you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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