I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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