I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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