i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Is Oprah even human
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
