i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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