If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
