So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
