Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
