I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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