Please, let me fuck your mom
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
