meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
