Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
