I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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