I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize