she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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