come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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