Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize