Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
