I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
