Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She bit a glass in half.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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