I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
