need another drink. this is the easiest way
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
