your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
