I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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