boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
