The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
