I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
