saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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