I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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