Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
