Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize