Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
