if i can run in heels then i can drive
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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