It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
