and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
