I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
