i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
