i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
