i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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