i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We need a shit load of segways right now
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
