I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
