There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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