Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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