How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
