im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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