Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
