I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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