His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
